trektobliss

#BellLetsTalk

Year after year I have shared that hashtag with good intentions. “Break the stigma” of mental illness is their goal. This year I thought “what stigma?”.

I haven’t been shy with mentioning my dark days with mental illness, and to be honest, I thought it was becoming a way more acceptable thing to talk about. Last week was tough, I’m happy to say that I generally don’t have too many dark days after learning how to manage my depression, and the help of natural and modern medicine, but sometimes it’s not enough. After a few days of constant crying to my incredibly patient boyfriend I finally broke down and said to him “I have been feeling SO depressed” .. Cue me waiting for him to leave me because I’m “crazy”. He said “I’m sorry babe, is there anything I can do for you?” Seriously?! If I can say one thing that depression and anxiety make me do is overthink things in the stupidest way possible. This is the man that held me when I lost my mind when I couldn’t cut the pita bread evenly earlier that week… I should, in a sane mind, know he will be there for me.

We talked about it for a bit and he was nothing but supportive, yet I still felt SO embarrassed. This is the person I tell my most embarrassing stories, the person I trust with my secrets, yet I was embarrassed to tell him that yes, this week I have fallen back into a state of depression. How fucked up is that? There really is a stigma attached, for me it’s just within myself. I judge me.

I don’t judge anyone based on their mental illness, it’s really none of my business unless they want it to be. And I also don’t feel like I have been judged solely based on mine by anyone but myself. I am the one that makes me feel crazy, I am the one who lets it take a hold of me, I am the one who is afraid to increase a dose of antidepressants because I’m afraid of what others might think.

But if I’ve learned anything recently, it’s that people really don’t give a fuck. I hope that one day soon this can all be in the past. It’s exhausting to get anxious over a phone beeping or a word said in the “wrong” tone, it’s exhausting to have everything in your life go amazing yet still feel so sad. I hope that one day soon I can wake up and be free of these illnesses. But until then, I will do my best to make the negatives into positives and seek love and support when I need it; shame free.

2015 in a Nutshell

What is time? The whole concept intrigues me. First day of a new year and suddenly people feel the pressure to make changes. Is a new year going to make you stick to your changes, or is wanting to change going to make you stick to your changes?

I am sitting on the couch typing this as Beau keeps dropping his plush lamb on my lap to throw, it honestly is the little things. I can’t help but look back on my year and smile. 2015 for me was absolutely incredibly insane. I think it was the hardest, yet best year I have had. I struggled with my health in 2015, that has got to be the most helpless, scary and frustrating feeling in the world. But after a long few months and a sweet man to hold my hand through it all, I can say I am in remission. Aside from a sore tailbone from a not so smart slide down the stairs, I have never felt better!

In 2015 I was pushed to the edge by anxiety and depression,  I felt as though I was floating in a dream world. I couldn’t get a grasp on reality. I spent months struggling to understand why. Wouldn’t that be the most amazing superpower? To have an answer anytime you asked yourself or someone else “why?”. Unfortunately it’s not that easy. I packed up and hoped that a new home and a fresh start would fix everything, but I learned very fast that there is no such thing as a fresh start if you have loose ends back home. I also learned in 2015 that I am absolutely in no way the type of person who can do it on my own. I rely heavily on other people to shine a light for me; and that’s okay.

In 2015, I had never felt so lost and hopeless trying to find myself, trying to find what makes me tick. That all sounds pretty awful, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In 2015 I made incredible connections with people I least expected, I have never felt so loved and accepted, and I’ve never loved so fiercely. I have begun to learn how to drop any feelings of shame, of not being good enough, of guilt, and learn how to be myself. I never thought I would have to learn how to be myself, but I spent so long trying to fit in that I absolutely forgot how to be myself. What an incredible year of self growth!

 

I don’t have any resolutions for 2016, no pressure. I just want to continue living a true, happy and healthy life.

This Is My Life

This past year has not been an easy one to say the least. Everyone talks about how your twenties are for “finding yourself”, I couldn’t have found this more true.

I started this summer after graduating as a yoga instructor taking a leap of faith. That leap of faith was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and although it didn’t work out as I had planned, I’m learning that nothing will go as planned in this crazy life of mine. As I settled back down I felt the pressure to conform. It may not have been direct, but I felt it. The pressure to get a “career” or “adult job”, and I did. Truth is, that’s not me. Why would I spend the rest of my life waking up to go to a job that creates stress and anxiety, filled with negative people just because that’s what society expects? I just want to say no. No. I’m not doing it. It’s not me and the only thing I regret right now is that I succumbed to pressure, and was miserable for months that I will never get back. I’ve sat back and got criticism from the people that I care about the most for not being grateful of this opportunity. But they are wrong. I am grateful, I am so grateful that I realized this early on that this is not what I want my life to be. I can understand their fear, they want whats “best”, but when did money and material items become “better” than happiness? Last night I got the comment “Well, you just have to suck it up, everyone in life has to go to a job they hate and deal with it. That’s life.” But I don’t believe that. I doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t know how long I have on this planet, nobody knows. If I was to spend my last days, weeks, months or years following the norm to appease people, than I am living a life of regret. A life for others. This is my life, my choice, my destiny and my happiness. I will be okay. No, I may never live a life of luxury, but I will live a life of positivity, happiness, compassion and anything else that I choose. Making a difference in the world and fighting for what I believe is right. I thought as I made this change the people that know me the best would stand behind me 100%, but, they don’t. It’s been hard to swallow, but I’m learning that it is okay to distance yourself from people, family or not. Everyone needs and deserves to have people in their lives that stand behind them and support them no matter what. I have faith in myself, I have faith in my future and I have faith in the unknown.

I am 21, this is my time. My time to make mistakes, to fuck up, to pick myself up just to fall again. To explore different avenues and different possibilities. To learn what makes my heart happy, to build my own thoughts and opinions on every subject imaginable. I will be absolutely fine, and blissfully happy, will you?

This is my story 

I don’t know why suddenly I feel the need to share… But I have to. At 2am I have this overwhelming need to pour my soul into writing. It may not be easy to read, and it’s sure as hell not easy to write, but here it is: 
I was raped. And it’s not my fault. I wish so badly it didn’t affect my relationships, but it does. Please don’t ever push me to talk about it, and please take comfort in knowing you aren’t the only one. Please don’t feel hurt that I didn’t confide in you, it is hard enough. Have you ever wished it didn’t consume you? It didn’t affect relationships? It wasn’t the glooming cloud over your head? I have, and I still do. I have a feeling I will wake up on the morning sick to my stomach for pouring my souls out to an anonymous group of people who will gossip behind my back. But if I can relate to one person, I will be okay. And that’s the reality of the situation, it WILL be okay. I am not damaged, I am not gross, and I am not the only one with “baggage”… We all have baggage. No matter what the magnitude, we have all been hurt. 

When I think back to childhood me, I want to hug her. I want so badly to tell her that it will be okay, that I love her. She is more than she thought. Childhood me was broken. I confided in my aunt about a year ago, she shared with me a memory that made me realize the extent of my hurt; I was visiting her as a child and while I was there she could sense my hurt. That I was so angry, but she didn’t know why. I was. I was such a confused, hurt child, I didn’t know how to cope. We laid awake for hours while I poured my hurt to her, and it is something I will never forget. I don’t choose to be affected by it, and I don’t choose to cry. It’s a learning process, and it will always be apart of me. Nobody can come out of it unharmed. But I am a survivor, and I am so proud to say that even though something terrible happens, I won’t let it define me. It will not define me. I’ve waited so long to get this off my chest, it feels amazing and absolutely terrifying at the same time. No, I’m not drunk, I’m courageous. I will be okay, and you will be to. You are so loved. 
– Bryanna 

A little bit of Beau and a lot of me

Despite what I have thought previously, owning a three legged dog may actually be quite the challenge. The poor guy has wiped out on the hardwood so many times he is refusing to walk on it. Now he either army crawls from carpet to carpet, or sits on one crying to be moved. Not to mention he has also decided he does not want to go up the stairs. Of course I feel bad for him, but it’s hard to pity when he doesn’t think twice if there is a treat involved.

We have been doing walks everyday, sometimes play dates. But I am definitely overly cautious now. I find myself holding my breath while he is running, getting that sinking feeling in my stomach. As much as what happened was a freak accident, I have am so scared it will happen again. It’s hard to see him sore after a short stroll, to struggle to stand up, to not be able to keep up with the other dogs. I don’t think he really cares too much, but it still hurts my heart.

Aside from all of that, I realized that being twenty is a lot harder than I ever anticipated. I lost count of how many times I said “I hate being an adult” this week. I went from getting a job I thought I would love, to finding out not everything is how it seems. I’m constantly in awe of how people treat others… that’s not saying that I don’t have my moments either. I’m struggling now with making sure I can pay my bills, as well as making sure I don’t have a mental breakdown at the same time. I’m definitely a different type of person, and I recognize that, but I honestly hate feeling so lost.

I cherish my time with Beau because his energy affects mine. Dogs don’t give a shit about anything as long as they have food, shelter, water and love. I find myself envying his careless nature, when in reality, I could live that way to. Humans tend to make life way too complicated. If we all just focused on the needs and not the wants maybe our suicide rate wouldn’t be so high. Maybe if we focused on bettering ourselves and helping others that would help too. Who knows though, I spend much time making excuses.

I recently came across one of those viral videos on Facebook that really got me thinking. These men gave homeless people food or money, and would have someone come up to them and ask for some a few minutes later. Without skipping a beat, these people were sharing. When the same thing was done in a food court where people had bought their own food, not one of them would share. Now, if some random guy came over to me and asked for some food I’m not sure my reaction, but watching it on this video made me so much more aware. Dogs are the same, they get their happiness from making others happy. If my dog was a person, he would quite honestly change the world.

It’s hard to update on Beau when I can’t even keep myself in check, so I guess sometimes it’s easier just to write about where my head is at than to have a “proper” blog post.

Worst part of my day is saying goodbye to this sweet face ^

– Bryanna

Charmin’

I can definitely say I’ve shit the bed on this blog for the past little while. I forgot how active life is with an active dog! To start off, Beau is rocking life. We have yet to journey back to the dog park, but have found some great well playing dog friends that we have “play dates” with. Lucky for me, all their fur parents are awesome people too.. win win!

I’ve been having to get all my ducks in a row lately, which has put a damper on quality time. I know that if I search hard enough, I can make anything happen.

I seem to be the type of person that attracts crazy events. The other evening I was just wrapping up a neighborhood walk with Beau, when this white truck starts driving by with a dog hanging out the back window. This dog wanted Beau so hard, I kid you not this dog JUMPED out of the moving truck window and landed crash boom on his side. What the hell! I was in such shock when the people stopped I silently helped them after screaming “YOUR DOG IS HURT”. Then, naturally I ran home crying.

The “thank you” cards are almost all done and sent out, long time coming. I just wanted to make sure that each one was personal and so it took a lot longer than a generic template. That, along with a new (not to mention demanding) job in vet med field, I feel swamped!

Beau and his Hunnies

Beau and his Hunnies

Hopefully we will have some solid updates soon, but for now, I’m going to catch on some very much needed sleep before school tomorrow!

– bryanna

The start of a new chapter

Beau is officially off all medications and antibiotics! Woo, what a milestone. He got his staples out today, I feel like we’ve closed a chapter! Dr. Lopez said his incision site looks awesome, so hopefully we wont see her for another year for some shots. He is walking great, but still slips around a lot. It makes me nervous when he slips as he’ll hit his numb and yelp. I feel like a helicopter parents never wanting to leave his side in case something happens.

I have been starting to take him for short walks, not the hour long ones he is used to, but we have to start somewhere! When I took him for his first walk he was an instant puppy again, prancing around, kicking up leaves and catching them in his mouth. The past month he hasn’t had the freedom to be a puppy, I missed it.

I didn’t realize how much I took for granted our mindless walks. Nothing is better than clearing your mind with strolls through the park, especially this time of year. The temperature is perfect, the crunchy steps, I’m not sure if there’s anything as beautiful as autumn.

I love morning and evening walks with Beau. What a great way to start off the day. Every morning before Beaus accident we would pass the same elderly lady on her morning walk and have a short chat while Beau got extra snuggles and pets. I wonder how she’s doing. She started carrying dog treats in her pocket for all the pups that she passed, and even though Beau has some mysterious allergies, I never had the heart to tell her that. Her face would light up when she saw us, and again, that’s something so small and seemingly insignificant that I took for granted. After weeks of not chatting with her, I realized how much her little stories and happy smile would change the tone of my day. You literally can’t be grumpy when you have a sweet lady telling you to have a great day.

It really is the little things. Every morning I make sure I wake up with enough time to pull Beau out of his crate and into my bed for some morning snuggles. I think he looks forward to it as much as I do, he is the snuggliest thing. The other morning I woke up late for school and didn’t have time to snuggle him, and all day I was just thinking “damn, Beau snuggles would be great right now”. Such a little thing but it means a lot to me.

I’ll probably update tomorrow with some pictures, but tonight I’m going to celebrate with Beau!

– bryanna